You may have seen the viral video of the disgruntled father who blasted his daughter online, and then ended by shooting her laptop computer. Yes, shooting. With a gun. Bam.
Now, to be perfectly honest, when I first watched the video, I found it humorous. Until I thought more about it and realized it was quite disturbing. And I don’t just mean the idea of pulling out a gun to make a point, but how—rather than teaching her an educational lesson—he instead confirmed her very complaints against him, by showing the world how irrational and unreasonable he truly was.
He confirmed her very complaints against him, by showing the world how irrational and unreasonable he truly wasAs a parent, it is our responsibility to be a dugma chayah, a living example of what we want our children to emulate. And undoubtedly there will be times when our children disappoint, do the wrong thing, or simply go in a direction we would rather they not. But more than what they do is how we react to it.
In this video, which currently has over 31 million (yes, million) views, he responds to her disrespectful, embarrassing and inaccurate (in his eyes) rant that she made on her Facebook page to her friends, by doing the exact same to her in return. The key difference here being that he is the adult, she the child. Another key difference is that this girl probably had at most a few hundred friends. But now, thanks to Dad, who read her letter in his video response, millions know what she said and how he handled it.
Our words create reality. And we are far more likely to believe the bad than the good. There is no question that when a child says cruel things, it hurts. But a reasonable and rational parent knows that the child herself was angry or hurt, and we try not to take it personally. Even more so if that parent can remember saying the very same things not that many years ago. So when a child says “I hate you,” it is unfortunate, sad, and yet quite typical, if not even expected. When a parent says “I hate you,” it is scarring, traumatic and abusive.
This father never said he hated his daughter, but the way he spoke about her and to her, with such anger, disgust and disrespect, certainly came across as such. If he loves her, it is well hidden, since his ego and his money seemed to be much more important to him than his daughter.
The Torah teaches us that to embarrass another person is likened to murder. To say that words can kill is quite accurate. When we label another, when we humiliate them and tell them they are not worthy, we create a lasting effect on their mind, heart and soul. And, since they are so young and impressionable, they grow up with these feelings of unworthiness and insecurity.
He taught his daughter that when all else fails, one should resort to humiliation, violence and baseless destructionI am all for making it clear that disrespectful behavior is not appropriate or allowed. I am all for teaching a lesson that leaves a lasting impression and shows the child that there are consequences for irresponsible behavior. But that lesson should be one that comes from love, and ultimately teaches the child how to love. And in this case, the exact opposite is what happened.
More so, he taught his daughter that when all else fails, one should resort to humiliation, violence and baseless destruction. One of his main accusations was that she was spoiled and didn’t appreciate how easy she had it, or the things she had. He repeatedly spoke about the money and time he had invested updating her computer. But then, he destroyed that very computer, showing that valuable things are ultimately not that valuable, and that if she wants another one, she can always buy one. What he did is called bal tashchit, which is an aspect of Jewish law which prohibits wanton destruction of goods.
How I wished he would have given that computer away to someone who could have really used it and deserved it. Imagine the lesson if he found a child who struggled, and then allowed her to benefit in her studies and life from an expensive piece of equipment to which his daughter had lost her rights. Imagine if his rant was not about how much she humiliated him, but about the importance of working through issues directly and not broadcasting one’s anger in a public domain.
There were so many things he could and should have done. But he didn’t do any of them. He did accomplish some things, though. He showed me, and countless other parents, what not to do. He showed my daughter that, as unfair as she thinks we may be, she has healthy and loving parents who would never do to her what this poor girl went through. And hopefully, he exposed himself to enough criticism that he will rethink how he parents his children and lives his life.
In the meantime, I guess the blessing in all of this was that his public display of anger and resentment may just be the very thing that protects his daughter. Now that everyone knows who her father really is, then if her initial allegations were true, her life will hopefully only be easier from now on and not harder, as the world is now watching.
